Left Getting the Red State Blues

A smug, self-satisfied email is making the liberal digital circuit. It proposes breaking the United States into two parts, the progressive, or "Blue," portion of which would be designated the "Enlightened States of America."

The ESA would include the states whose electoral votes went to Barack Obama. Accordingly, the ESA claims, among other allegedly desirable features, "the best beaches," the Statue of Liberty, Intel and Microsoft, "two-thirds of the tax revenue," "95 percent of America’s quality wines," "most of the U.S. low sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, and all the Ivy schools plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT." (But, clearly, no one smart enough to detect redundancies).

The email reads: "Blue States will have firm control of 80 percent of the country’s fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation’s fresh fruit "

ESA proponents condescendingly concede that the remaining "Red" states would house OpryLand, Ole Miss, Alabama and would have to "cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans and their health care costs, 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia."

Furthermore, of the unenlightened Red States’ population, "38 percent believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we’re discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory."

It seems that this sort of "clever analysis" is what passes for humor on the American Left, which assumes an unearned sense of superiority by suggesting that the only intelligent, reasonable, "cool" people are the ones who agree with them.

Frankly, many conservatives might view that proposal as a good deal.
But, rather than by state, let’s break down the Red-Blue electoral map by county instead, and take another look.

Oops!

The ESA loses more than 80 percent of America’s land mass, almost all of that low sulfur coal, nearly all of America’s hydro power and producing oil and natural gas fields, plus the nation’s breadbasket. Fresh water sources decline precipitously. The ESA doesn’t keep as many fruit producers or quality vintners. Cut that beachfront they boast about by half, at least.

They won’t keep "two-thirds of tax revenue." Not even close.

The ESA will have national defense issues, too, since they’ll lose most of America’s military installations. No matter, few "enlightened" Americans serve anyway.

Good thing they’ll have President Barack Obama’s "smart diplomacy" to protect them.

The ESA will get 90 percent of failed school districts, a disproportionate number of welfare recipients, daunting crime statistics and an overwhelming majority of the hapless Occupy Wall Street crowd. They’ll also get Detroit, Philly, Baltimore, Newark and Camden, just for starters. Good thing there aren’t any "obese Americans and their projected health care costs" in the inner cities.

Judging from the content of the email, the ESA will keep the vast majority of religious bigots and "intellectual" pretenders.

On a county-by-county basis, having shed all those ESA liabilities, Red America might not need more than a third of present tax revenue, although it would have it.

In fact, assuming ownership interest, Red America could likely sue for payment delinquencies and foreclose on the ESA inside two decades.